I hope your Christmas was as full of joy as mine. We had 11 people for dinner on Christmas day. Our son from Tucson, Arizona, our two daughters and their spouses, our granddaughters and our son-in-law’s father and his friend enjoyed the day with us. Love warmed the air and bathed our hearts. Today is the 5th day of Christmas and the joy lingers on in the form of recent memory. Love has a way of making everything manageable. Our daughter faces the possibility of a liver transplant this year and our son is going through a painful divorce. The love Everett and I have for each other extends to our children and comes back to us doubled. We all know it will get us through whatever we face in 2009. We hope the same for you.

“Just because I’m not in love with her (Britney) any more doesn’t mean I don’t love her,” Kevin is quoted as saying in the December 15th issue of People Magazine. When told that Britney says she wed for the wrong reasons, some of Kevin’s response was, “I can’t tell you how it was for her, but I know for me. I fell in love. And I loved the idea that I was in love and I got married and had two beautiful children.”

So what does it mean to “fall in love”? Could Kevin and Britney have become soul mates? What might they have done to make that happen? How would their lives and their children’s lives been different? What kind of pressures make it difficult for two people who believe they are “in love” to become soul mates? Was it just the birth of two children too quickly that caused them to break up?

IT’S WORTH THINKING ABOUT!

Traveling from the Sacramento area to the North Coast of California takes about 2 and a half to 3 hours depending on the weather and the route we take. This time (December) it was foggy in the Valley so it took a little longer. We have taken nearly every possible road between Sacramento and the Coast. So we talk about all those adventures and the stories generated by them.

Sometimes we just reach over and touch each other and smile. Silence when you feel connected feels good. We talk about little things–the colors of the hills, a new building, the traffic, what we want to do, which road to take this time, should we look up an old restaurant, how long it’s been since our last trip to the coast.

By the time you become soul mates you often find your partner saying something you were just thinking. On a get-away like this, opportunities to share thoughts, stories, comments, memories are abundant. All couples who love each other need get-aways.

Every year we go away to write our Christmas cards. This weekend we left our home in the foggy central valley of California and headed for the North Coast. We rented a condo which is on the bluffs overlooking the ocean at Sea Ranch.

Winter rates are much lower and few people know that weather on the coast in the winter can be so sunny and warm. Nothing nourishes relationship more than time alone together on great get-aways. Walking, talking, reading, watching football, and writing Christmas cards. Warm and cozy in bed with the sea breeze blowing in an open window. Listening to the crashing of the waves against the bluff as you fall asleep together.

Betting that couples have untold stories to tell, an oral-history organization, Story-Corps, scheduled a listening day for Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. The national event stemmed from Dave Issay’s Story Corps progam which has helped nearly 25,000 people record interviews on CD’s to preserve their stories.

Everett and I discovered a long time ago that we have a wealth of stories to tell each other and we continue to create stories together. Long ago we discovered some places along the north coast of California that are perfect settings for story telling. We watch the sun go down over the ocean and don’t turn on lights. Then we talk about pets we had and how we got them, childhood adventures, houses we lived in, friends we had, interests, accidents, fears, dreams, the bad, the good and everything in between. And just when I think I have heard all of Everett’s stories, he tells one I have never heard. It’s wonderful!

Now I just enjoy hearing again about how when Ev was 5 years old his grandfather sent him to the store to buy something his mother didn’t want her father to buy and told him not to tell her. If you don’t take time to share your stories with each other, you risk never becoming soul mates.

Blessed are we who can laugh at ourselves for we will never cease to be amused. A great saying by an unknown author. Soul mates smile and laugh often. Another saying–life is too important to be taken seriously. I can’t imagine any soul mate relationship without a sense of humor.

Laugh at yourself when you make silly mistakes. Laugh at the funny things children do and say. Joke with your co-workers, grocery store checkers, bank tellers and members of your family. Laugh at the antics of your pets. Laugh at the comics.

Fill your days with laughter and humor. Be careful not to joke at someone else’s expense. Teasing and sarcasm are not humor. Usually they involve laughing at someone else.

Lighten up. Look for how funny we all can be. Enjoy the ridiculous sometimes. Enjoy your partner. People who laugh easily and often are easy to love. Someone once said, “You can’t love someone with whom you don’t laugh.

“There’s nothing you can give your kids that equals two parents loving each other,” Andrea Schroder was quoted as saying in People Magazine. Reader, Kate Williams, from Sugar Land, Texas took exception to that in a letter to the magazine.

What do you think? Single parents can do a great job raising their children, but they cannot model a good marriage relationship. Unfortunately, many people have never seen a lifelong soul mate relationship. They have no idea how to begin. They can only use their imaginations and do a lot of searching and learning.

How about you? How many good relationships have you seen? What kind of relationship do you have or want? What are you willing to do to make that happen? If you have lost a promising relationship, learn from it and decide what you want now. A good book to get you started is Colene Sawyer’s “Fishing By Moonlight-The Art of Choosing Intimate Partners”. More about that another day.

Marriage does not mean looking after the ashes, it means beginning the process of keeping the flame alive and growing. You do that by staying OPEN TO LEARNING. Go to Marriage Encounter, couples marriage workshops and classes. Read books and blogs like this on relationship. Find friends who value relationship and learn from them. Have fun together. Some states, including California, have a group called Healthy Marriages which offers classes on relationship.

MOST IMPORTANT! Never stop learning more about each other. What was it like growing up in his/her family? What does your lover like and dislike? What are the triggers, passions, interests? What are the fears, perceptions, attitudes, feelings? So much to learn about each other and only one lifetime in which to do it!

Chyler Leigh (Grey’s Anatomy) and actor musician Nathan West featured in the
Nov.10th issue of People Magazine share some of their relationship secrets. They schedule date nights and balance their work commitments so that children, Noah and Taelyn, come first. Chyler says if they didn’t do that they would never see each other.

“I am so in love with my family and I am so in love with my husband,” says Leigh. “I really believe I have what was taken from me as a kid. For the first time in my life, I have joy.”

The article in “People” is entitled “At Long Last, Love.” It begins on page 73. Look it up and find out how Leigh and Nathan learned how to start becoming soul mates.

Times are tough! Time after time surveys show that couples fight most often about money and sex. Money experts say that financial success does not depend on how much you make, but on what you do with what you make. Here are seven suggestions for keeping romance alive while surviving the money crisis.

1. Develop an attitude of thrift. Pennies, nickles, and dimes make dollars. The wise money manager thinks in terms of nickles, dimes, and quarters.
2. Make do with what you have. Sell what you don’t need, buy what you need at garage sales or thrift stores. Use old fashioned cleaners–soda and ammonia.
3. Smart shopping makes cents. Take advantage of seasonal sales. Never go shopping without a list. Shop intentionally, not impulsively.
4. Give gifts of time and talent.
5. Barter goods and services. Find friends with whom you can trade.
6. Scuttle bills with skills. Use each partner’s skills as often as possible to eliminate the necessity of spending money for labor..
7. Avoid money pitfalls. Pitfals include impulse spending, excessive credit buying, and depending too much on a second income..

Talking, brainstorming and working on these skills together can make you feel closer to each other. And remember, sex is free so enjoy it with each other often.