The Sept. 21,2008 issue of Parade Magazine ran an article entitled, “The Truth About American Marriage.” Their national poll found that marriage seems to be working quite well for most people. About 88% of the people surveyed said they were happy or reasonably content in their marriage.

Parade”s respondents also gave positive explanations for why they stayed married, with 71% choosing “deep love” as a reason and 73% citing “companionship”. Half of them described thir marriages as “loving and joyful” and nearly a third characterized them as “peaceful coexistence”.

When you read that Madonna and Guy Richie have broken up after years of marriage or that Bill Murray and his wife, Jennifer are divorcing, don’t throw up your hands in fear that marriage will soon be outdated. Most of us married people continue this process of becoming soul mates and it gets better and better as we learn to give each other the gift of acceptance and deep conscious love.

Those who believe only sunshine brings happiness have never danced in the rain. Some of our greatest memories come from dancing in the rain. Be willing to do something different.

Skating on country roads on a full moon night. Making love on the side of a mountain. Roasting hot dogs at the river. Back pack trips in the mountain wilderness. Climbing a tree and singing old songs. Sleeping in the same sleeping bag at the top of a waterfall in freezing weather. Going gold panning. Renting a boat and rowing across a lake. Flying in a biplane. Fishing mountain streams. Looking for sea shells at the beach. Attending churches very different from yours. Going to marriage retreats. You can probably add many exciting adventures of your own.

When we had been married for about 10 years, Everett took a two and a half year job in Germany. While we were there we traveled to 16 countries. We rediscovered each other and renewed our love. Dancing in the rain is great. Try it.

Good news for couples wanting to become soul mates…..researchers have found that massage and other supportive and caring touch lower stress hormones and blood pressure, particularly among men, while also enhancing oxytocin, a hormone believed to calm and counter stress. The findings will be published in the Oct. 14 issue of the journal “Psychosomatic Medicine”.

Touch comes easily to soul mates. They touch hands and fingers throughout the day. They touch toes in bed. They cuddle and rub each other’s backs, legs, and feet. Touch creates closeness, warmth, and joy. Now we can add healing to this list of pleasures and well-being.

I have missed a week of blogging. We have been at our timeshare at David Wally’s Hot Springs Resort at the foot of the Sierra Nevada mountains. From our third floor balcony we could see streams and fields in the Carson Valley wetlands. Thousands of sparrows migrate through this valley. Flocks of Canadian geese come here to nest and lay their eggs. They flew over us in beautiful formations. Golden eagles and mudhens spend the winter here. Deer, coyotes, rabbits, racoons, possums mingle with cows and horses.

We went fishing at Red Lake, sat in the hot mineral pools at Wallys, went to the huge Candy Dance craft fair in historic Genoa, drove to a birthday party in Fallon, Nevada, ate picnic lunches, and much more. Best of all we have enjoyed having fun talking, laughing, eating, walking. Get-aways nurture love and romance.

You probably wouldn’t be reading this blog if you weren’t looking for some secrets of love. Filmmaker, Tracie Donahue, made a movie about how to stay married. She quit college to marry at 22 and 11 years later a divorce left her facing single parenthood with no way of earning a living.

Donahue, who lives in Rocklin, California, finished college with a degree in communications. In her movie, she interviews couples, counselors, teachers, and even a couple of celebrities, Robin Givens and Jack Gallagher. They all share what they have learned about love.

Basically, she warns that a wedding is not just a fairytale followed by living happily ever after. Everyone needs to learn what it takes to become soul mates. That certainly includes choosing a person who is also willing to learn. No one can do it unilaterally.

Markers become unique to you and your soul mate. On our first date we saw a movie with theme music called, “Indian Love Call”. When we went to a fair together a few months later we heard the song, “Indian Love Call” come through the speakers. That date became the pivotal point in our new relationship. “Indian Love Call” became our song.

On our honeymoon we had sparkling burgundy with our dinner one night. For many anniversaries we had sparkling burgundy even though it was the only time in the year we drank it. These are markers. They bring warm feelings of remembering. A truly sensory way to celebrate closeness.

Interestingly, markers may change. At some point when we requested the song, “Indian Love Call” musicians would look puzzled and say, “I never heard of it.’ I don’t think they even make sparkling burgundy any more. We haven’t drunk it for many years. We do have new sensory markers. The sound of the ocean, Jennifer Rush’s “The Power of Love”, steamed clams on valentine’s day. All of these things are intimate reminders of our love.

Yesterday’s mail brought shocking news from long time friends. Years ago I taught first grade at Wilson School in Sanger, California where my friend, Joyce was also teaching first grade. Our husbands, Everett and LeRoy drove together to Fresno State College. We did a lot of fun things together.

Eventually, Joyce and LeRoy bought a farm in Cabool, Missouri. Like us, they had become soul mates and celebrated 50 plus years together. Joyce wrote that in December 2007 LeRoy was feeling tired. They thought it was just ageing. He went to the doctor and was diagnosed with leukemia. Sixteen days later he died. Joyce has lost her soul mate.

Life is short. Make each day count. Don’t waste it being angry and disconnected from your lover. There is so much to enjoy about each other. Celebrate those things.

In my office I have a therepeutic game for children called, “The Talking,Feeling, and Doing Game”. What a great way to describe the relationship between soul mates. Talking and feeling heard and validated. Feeling and experiencing the security of being supported and understood. Doing and finding all kinds of activities that are fun because the two of you are engaged with each other. Score yourself on these three elements of satisfying relationship. Resist judging your partner. Remember, you can only change yourself.

How often do you think about and relive the small moments in your relationship that bring a smile and a warm flush of pleasure? They don’t have to be big things. I feel this warmth when I think of times when I have come home from work at night to find that Everett has gone out and opened the garage door in anticipation of my coming. Or when he shuts off the computer when he hears me enter the house and comes to greet me. Sometimes he stops what he is doing to listen and talk to me.

Does your partner know that you appreciate these acts of love? Tell him/her. You will bring a smile and warm feeling to him/her as well.

A word of warning: do not expect these things as an entitlement. Such thoughtful acts are usually occasional voluntary ways of showing love. That is what makes them special.

What a relief! Love in not an involuntary force, mystical and mysterious, that sweeps us into an unwanted temporary bliss we haven’t sought. We hear songs about the desperate out-of-control emotions that justify starting and leaving questionable relationships. We see these relationships portrayed in the media as desireable and something to hope for. Why can’t I have such perfection? Oh! to be in love!

The good news is a deeply satisfying relationship does not have to be a fantasy or a dream. You can achieve that if you are open to learning about yourself and your partner. Openness to learning is essential. If both you and your partner make this your goal, in time you will reach the ultimate relationship becoming soul mates.