Each year ends with the biggest celebration–Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year. Celebrating with close friends and family gives you a chance to evaluate those relationships. You can set yourself up for big disppointments if your expectations exceed what happens.

Soul mates learn to focus more on what they bring to the celebration rather than what they get or how it turns out. We had a wonderful Christmas partly because we have learned to enjoy everything we can and let go of expectations. A great way to enjoy relationships.
< >/

Recently we saw a powerful 1936 movie titled “Dodsworth”. It dramatically showed the pain and folly of infidelity, the subject we talked about a few weeks ago.

The simple soul mate tip is, if you have never cheated–don’t! You would trade a few minutes of pleasure for a lifetime of pain. Even if your relationship survives, there will always be a scar and regret. Soul mates trust each other, a requirement for intimacy.
< >/

After being exposed to many ways of learning to do relationship at the Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference, I believe they all end up at the same place. How do I connect with, understand, and accept another person and still be who I am? It is the difficult dance between autonomy and connection.

I must learn to listen without defense, talk with honesty and clarity, be vulnerable when appropriate, minimize weaknesses (my own as well as others) and focus on strengths, and much more. No wonder relationship is difficult. It is a learning process well worth the effort. Life becomes much more enjoyable as we learn to relate well to others.

I have just returned from a week of intensive classes at the “Evolution of Psychotherapy” conference in Anaheim, California. The conference was created in 1985 as a celebration of the 100th birthday of psychotherapy. It brings together leading experts in the field of psychotherapy. The conference has been held every 5 years until this year. Seven thousand five hundred people from every state in the Union and 50 foreign countries attended, 400 from Canada, 200 from Australia, and 150 from China. There were 8 keynote speakers, 17 primary faculty, and 22 other faculty.

Classes were held in the Convention Center, and the Marriott and Hilton hotels. Disneyland is across the street, but we had no time to go there. I have lots of new relationship tips to share after listening to the top relationship gurus in the world.
< >/

How do Todd and Sarah Palin make their relationship work? They have often had long absences from each other. Sarah told Oprah they made that work.

They have more time together since Todd quit his job on the North Slope in September. Sarah told “People Magazine”, we are doing a lot of housework and yard work together. Those are our date nights. Just these frugal, practical things we’ve always done.”

Do you think housework and yard work count as date nights?
< >/

In Carolyn Hax’s column in this morning’s paper, a reader asks her to explain what intimacy is. The reader thought it is “part trust, part openness, part honesty, part acceptance and part other stuff”.

Carolyn told her she had named the pieces, so put them together. Her definition: “Intimacy is when two people are open and honest with each other, even about their less-attractive sides, each loves and accepts the whole truth about the other, not just the highlights; and each trusts the other not to use this truth as a weapon.”

Can you explain intimacy? Check out my book “Becoming Soul Mates” for more about intimacy.

Recently 20-20 attempted to answer the question, “Why do people cheat on each other?” They said 60% of cheaters are men, 40% are women. Whatever the percentage, cheating destroys trust and without trust people cannot become soul mates.

Some people simply do not know how to love or let go of defenses sufficiently to create intimacy. Some women believe that being “in love” means a continuation of the high energy excitement and passion experienced when a relationship is new. Some men never mature beyond their adolescent fantasies of unknown women as sexual objects. It takes maturity to move beyond the adolescent fantasy to know, understand, and love a real woman.

When two people commit to learning to understand, love, and accept each other, they will experience a growing intimacy. Fear will become less and less. Trust and safety will overshadow fear.
< >/

“Love,” says Dr. Fromm, “is the only satisfactory answer to the problems of human existence.” Yet many people do not learn to love with maturity , self-knowledge, and courage. Learning to love requires intentional openness, genuine insight and understanding. You must be willing to practice what you learn, to open yourself to another human being. That takes willingness to be vulnerable and tough.

For example, if your partner tries to tell you that your sarcasm is hurtful, you don’t tell her she just isn’t a good sport and that you were only joking. Instead, you thank her for telling you and you try to be direct instead of using sarcasm. Listen instead of always being right.

Most people do not listen with the intent to understand. They listen with the intent to reply. Proverbs 18:13 says, “He who answers before listening-that is his folly and his shame.” The New English Bible puts it this way, “To answer a question before you have heard it out is both stupid and insulting.” SOUL MATES LISTEN WITH THE INTENT TO UNDERSTAND.
< >/

Another winner of the Frog to Prince contest, Caroline from North Dakota, wrote: “I caught my man doing something right. Since being laid off work, my husband has picked up the task of house cleaning and caring for our three-year-old daughter. However, when he cleaned the kitchen he wouldn’t wipe down the counters and stove nor sweep the floor. When I carefully brought it to his attention, he became upset. I let it go. A day or so later I came in from work and the dishwasher was loaded and the counters were wiped off.
The floor still had not been swept but I acted as though I didn’t notice. I gave him a huge bear hug and kissed him deeply and thanked him for his hard work in the house that day. He stated that if washing a few dishes would get him that much attention what would cleaning the toilet get him. We laughed.”

Notice what your children, spouse, or employee do right. Let them know you appreciate it, and you will get more, enjoy more, and feel better.