In her book, “Building a Reality-Based Relationship”, Dr. Kovacs has done a good job classifying the six stages of marriage. Her list:
1. Honeymoon
2. Expectation
3. Power struggle
4. Seven-year itch
5. Reconciliation
6. Acceptance

Dr. Kovacs points out that these stages can be applied to any relationship. In my last blog I talked about the importance of accepting yourself as worthwhile, a unique individual with purpose, strengths, and weaknesses that make you who you are. To the degree each person in the relationship can come to terms with this individuation and accept and nurture it in the other the relationship becomes powerful and satisfying.

The question,”How can I be who I am and still be loved by you?” is basic to every stage of relationship. It is also what makes relationship the therapeutic process for us all.

No one in today’s world functions without relationship. Buying, selling, renting, learning, all require relationship skills. To make friends, maintain closeness, achieve intimacy, to be liked, to be sought after, require special relationship skills. How skilled are you at relationship?

We learn how to relate from the day we are born. If we are lucky enough to be born to a loving family, our chances of success increase. The basic step to learning means coming to terms with yourself. If you feel valued just because you exist and if you believe you are capable and worthwhile, it is easier to learn the self-discipline you need to stay open to learning.

If you grew up feeling less than others, you must be willing to trace that perception to its source. Did you lack nurture and respect? Understand that you are unique and special, a once in history event. There has never been anyone like you before and will never be again. When you can begin to feel the importance of who you are, relationship skills can be quickly learned. Build those skills on respect for yourself and others.

Young lovers spend hours talking to each other about anything and everything. Affairs begin when two people begin to talk to each other freely. They talk about what they like to eat, funny things they have experienced, their dreams, things they care about, what they dislike. They tell each other their stories. When this kind of sharing stops, the relationship begins to die.

That is what dates are all about. My book, “Becoming Soul Mates” is written in a way that a couple can open it almost any place, read those two pages and have something to talk about. Setting aside a 20 minute talking time each day and going on a short get-away every six to eight weeks would do wonders to rediscover your partner’s individuality. The next challenge is to accept and encourage the differences.

DATING AND GET-AWAYS GIVE YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO NURTURE THE RELATIONSHIP.

“Building a Reality-Based Relationship” is the title of a book by long time marriage family therapist, Liberty Kovacs,PHD. Dr. Kovacs realized people must want to understand each other if they hope to have a successful marriage.

I highly recommend Dr. Kovacs’ book which is crammed with short exercises to help you get to know each other. By the time you become adults you have formed perceptions about money, affection, sexuality, power, household chores, and much more. Where and how did you get those perceptions? What values do you have?

Relationship provides an opportunity to understand the journey to individuation and knowing ourselves and others. That makes the effort more appealing and worth hanging in there. You cannot become soul mates without it.

I watched as the airplane circled and landed on a vast stretch of snow. A young man stepped out with his gear and stood alone watching the plane disappear. As I watched I felt an overwhelming sense of loneliness. It was the movie, “Never Cry Wolf”.

The only other time I felt such an overwhelming sense of loneliness I watched my son standing alone on an airstrip as my plane took off. He was a couple of thousand miles from home and knew no one there. Relationships, wherever we are,can make the difference between feeling unbearably alone in vast space or feeling connected to others and the strength and beauty of the universe.

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Elva and I met Ted Robinson, author of “Water in My Veins” at our writers’ group. Later I read his autobiography which is a series of true short stories from his life that teach life lessons.

Ted’s father died when Ted was a small boy. His grandfather, who was deaf, took responsibility for the family and became the father Ted didn’t have. His grandfather had lost his own wife and soul mate. He told Ted, “GIVIN’ BEATS GETTIN’ EVERY TIME”. Everyone who aspires to become a soul mate can learn from his story. By giving up his life to save the family he really saved his own life.

blog written by Everett Anson

When Elva and I teach classes on marriage, I often wonder what people in the class think about me. What type of a mate am I? Do they think I am a mousy compliant man who could easily be turned into a soul mate? Or am I handsome, strong, loving, intelligent, kind, and respectful, the perfect man every woman wishes she could meet?

The truth is I am neither. I am a jerk sometimes and a nice person at times, Just an ordinary guy who often doesn’t listen and can be preoccupied with my own interests.

Everett shows off his fish.

When couples become so close they cannot do anything apart therapists call that enmeshment. To have a good soul mate relationship, you must also have a life of your own. That means having friends of your own as well as friends you share with your soul mate.

Everett has lunch every Wednesday with the guys he worked with in engineering before they all retired. They have a lot of laughs and support each other through the challenge of aging. I have friends I meet for lunch and occasionally I spend a weekend at a Women’s Retreat. Once I went to Hawaii with a friend to a 10 day “Heal the Healer” conference. It was great.

Monday Everett went fishing with four friends at Pyramid Lake in Nevada. When the men got home Tuesday afternoon the wives joined them for a fish dinner at one of their homes. We had a good time and now we have some new friends.

Let me tell you about my soul mate. He grew up the 6th child in a family of 5 boys and 2 girls. Born in 1931 in rural Nebraska in the middle of the great depression, his family struggled to survive after his father lost his farm. Struggling for just food and shelter left its mark.

Everett lives his life with intensity, constantly pushing himself to be better, to do more. No man is loved more by his children, his grandchildren, and his wife and yet he doesn’t feel like enough. I see his struggle and how hard he tries to let go, relax, enjoy, and believe in himself. He is thoughtful, helpful, loving, dependable, and kind. He can be fun when he lets go of the intensity. He is able to do that more on our getaways. At those times we talk for hours. We learn together.

Everett and I began our life together naive and lacking many relationship skills, but we learned and are still learning. Our relationship reminds me of a kaleidoscope. We think we know each other and a twist or turn reveals another beautiful color. Learning to be soul mates is worth all the time and effort you give it.