Couples searching for soul mate relationships rejoice! A new survey reaffirms old values for getting what you want in relationship. Most adults are monogamous. Lots of teenagers are having sex, but lots are also practicing abstinence. These findings and more came from interviews with 13,495 men and women in the latest round of the National Survey of Family Growth.

Talking to couples at the California State Fair made me realize people are “figuring it out.” Niesha Lofing, Sacramento Bee family editor, started her column last week: “It was one of our best–and hottest–dates. Last year, my husband and I had a date night at the California State Fair.”

She went on to recommend the State Fair as “a great place for a date, and not just for teenagers,” She shared stories of other couples who have discovered the joy of date nights at the Fair. Her last story was about Dominic, 65, and Laura,61, who have never missed a fair in nearly 43 years of marriage. “We’re still in love,” Laura told Niesha. “We’ve got gray hairs and grandkids, but we still have our date night at the State Fair.”

If you are working on a soul mate relationship, date nights pay off. Enjoying the State Fair could be one of your favorite dates.

When women rate intimacy as their number one desire in a relationship, they intuitively know that it is the answer to their yearning for connection. Men feel the same separateness and need for connection, but they tend not to think about it. Some experts believe that men’s drive is toward autonomy and women’s drive is toward connection. I do not believe that. Everyone needs both autonomy and connection, but fear makes us believe we cannot have both.

To be able to be who we are in a relationship and allow the other person to do the same empowers, pleasures, affirms, excites and gives the ultimate joy of loving and feeling loved. This is absolutely essential to create a soul mate relationship.

This is taken from my book, “Becoming Soul Mates.” To achieve this, begin with you. Explore what makes you afraid to open up to learning, curiosity, encouragement, support, fun, playfulness, freedom, creativity, discovery, and ultimately change. At first, you risk opening the door just a crack, but eventually you may learn to keep the door open longer, because love overcomes fear. The longer evolving relationships last, the more frequently they include times of intimacy.

You probably could not find a place better suited for getting to know your mate than Sea Ranch. Eight miles of walking trails beside the ocean, redwoods accessible across Highway l, sandy beaches, and rustic lodge rooms with ocean views provide the perfect setting for love making, sharing stories, and having fun.

We have celebrated many wedding anniversaries doing those things and more. We discovered Sea Ranch decades ago while on a camping trip to the California North Coast. We camped at Bodega Bay the first night, but it began to rain. The next day about an hour north we passed the Sea Ranch Lodge. On an impulse we decided to stop and find out what they charged to rent a room. In those days it was a little more affordable. We were hooked.

One year we visited Sea Ranch every month but two. There was no television, no telephones and the lighting was poor. We would sit and watch the sun set. We didn’t turn on lights as we shared stories, thoughts, and dreams until the stars appeared and it was time for bed.

This year our anniversary was on a Thursday just as our wedding had been. Sea Ranch was the perfect place to celebrate. A half bottle of rose’ brut was chilling in our room when we arrived. We didn’t make it the two and a half miles to our favorite log beside the ocean, but we did walk to many favorite places.

To add a little fun to some of your get-aways, invite friends to go along sometimes. Last Friday we took Paul and Jean Strom to a pasta lunch in the foothills an hour’s drive from our home. We caught up on what they have been doing and enjoyed sharing our stories. They took us on roads we had not yet explored. Flowers covered acres that climbed up a hill to vineyards beyond. Beautiful oak trees seemed to be painted into the background.

The subtitle in Dr. Kenneth Ryan’s book, “Finding Your Prince In a Sea of Toads” is “How to Find a Quality Guy Without Getting Your Heart Shredded.” The book offers 86 short chapters full of wisdom for people who are looking for satisfying life-long relationships.

“Finding Your Prince In a Sea of Toads” struck me as a very clever title. Author of the book by that title, Dr. Kenneth Ryan, and his wife have been counseling engaged couples for years. He has written a book of advice for women on dating.

He focuses on the top five mistakes he believes women make. Here are his five top mistakes:
Don’t be too passive.
Don’t be too aggressive.
Don’t be naive about men.
Don’t panic.
Don’t sleep with the boy friend.

“Dr. Ryan started writing for his three daughters–everything that they need to know about the truth of relationships and sex so they will be two steps ahead of any guy they might date,” according to his publicist. Does anyone know everything they need to know about the truth of relationships and sex? We think we know, but a life time isn’t long enough to really know. That’s what makes relationships intriguing and challenging.

We met in 2002. The course of our lives had already been set. We knew we loved each other from the moment we met. However, our relationship was filled with challenges that we were ill equipped to deal with.

My relationships with women began when I was 21 when my first child was born.. I proceeded to have six children with three other women. I would keep thinking I was making the right choice. They were not the women who were right for me. The differences between us were so great and we were horribly unskilled. Each one of these relationships created great pain for all of us.

When I met Alisha she already had a three year old and was two months pregnant with another man’s child.I knew she was the right woman for me. We have had three children together for a total of eleven children. You may wonder how we got into this mess. We wonder also. The answer comes from our families.

My parents never married. They were never with anyone for long. My mother raised eight children with seven different dads. She raised them all by herself. To have this many kids with this many men means that there were always men coming and going in my life and family. Once a week my dad would pick me up and drop me off at my Grannie’s house. I never had any time with him. After my Grannie died when I was 13, my dad picked me up once a year on my birthday and took me around to the clubs where he played. He would feed me drinks and drugs. No wonder I did not have a clue on how to form a family. I never felt like I belonged to anyone.

Alisha did not fare much better. Her mom was in love with alcohol and men. When Alisha would ask about her father, her mother said, “I don’t know who your father is. It could be one of two men.” Alisha never learned who her father was. In this situation she felt absolutely unlovable.

We now know that we knew very little about how to form a family. We both believed we were right and we were out to prove it. This system made us and our children very unhappy. We ended up yelling at each other nightly.

Through the Relationship Skills Center we heard about the Flourishing Families Program from Birth and Beyond. Alisha was very excited about the program and we both decided to go. I had no idea what a difference a class like this would have on me, our relationship and our family. We have stopped arguing and can now talk about our differences. We learned how to create a dialogue. We can communicate and take the time to see each other’s point of view. The best part of all is what is happening with our children. They are doing better in school and getting into less trouble. We are breaking the cycle of abandonment and neglect in our family. We are getting married and we will be together forever!

The Relationship Skills Center in Sacramento began with an organizational meeting sponsored by “Healthy Marriages”, a national group promoting education and support for good marriages. Since that time Carolyn Rich Curtis, Ph.D has led a group of hard working volunteers in creating and nurturing an educational relationship center which has reached out to struggling couples. Here is the stated purpose of the organization:

VISION
Relationships and marriages thrive in our community

MISSION
We promote the development of healthy, safe, and stable families where children thrive.

INTENTIONS
1. To promote the sustainable development of strong, safe, and stable families among those at-risk.
2. To teach young people the skills necessary for forming and sustaining healthy relationships.
3. To support couples as they transition from being a couple to a healthy family.

Look for a story from a couple whose lives changed after attending one of their classes.

One of the books I read while we were at Tahoe was “The Dance of Intimacy” by Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. She says, “An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, or betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.”

Based on this definition I wonder how many people achieve intimacy. That is definitely our goal if we hope our relationships will evolve into true soul mate status.

“Intimacy is not about that initial ‘Velcro stage’ of relationships,” according to Dr. Lerner. “It is only in long-term relationships that we are called upon to navigate that delicate balance between separateness and connectedness and that we confront the challenge of sustaining both–without losing either when the going gets rough.”

“Ted and I approach life very differently,” says Brenda Novak. “Ted is a big picture person, very flexible and willing to go the extra mile, on the one hand–or, if he falls a bit short at something, to say that’s good enough and be happy with less than a perfect job.”

“I am more OCD. LOL He can do dishes without wiping down the counters. I have to finish it all. He can fold clothes in a sloppy way and toss them in a closet or leave them sitting out forever; I can’t. He can plant a garden and leave the trash of the pots and stuff laying in our yard for months. I”m more of a stickler for doing things right and getting them done on time. Those types of messes can really irritate me.”

We’ve basically worked out this difference by realizing that not every tool is meant to do every job. A hammer is just as good as a saw. Whether or not one is better depends on what you’re trying to do with it. That’s exactly how it is with our separate skill sets. I’m better suited to some things. Ted is better at other things. We appreciate and celebrate our differences and admire the strengths we recognize in each other.

New York Times and USA Today Bestselling Author Brenda Novak has three novels coming out this summer/fall–INSIDE, IN SECONDS, and IN CLOSE. She also runs an annual online auction for diabetes research every May at www.brendanovak.com. To date, she’s raised over $1 million. Brenda considers herself lucky to be a mother of five and married to the love of her life.