Two Very Different People

You are two very different people who have decided to run the rest of your lives as a partnership. Wow! You have to decide:

• whether to have a pet
• who does what
• where to live
• whether to have children and how many
• what kind and color of car to buy
• whether and where to go to church
• how to spend free time
• what music to listen to
• what t.v. and movies to see
• when to go to bed and when to get up
• where to go on vacation
• who does what

. . . and much much more.  All of this and still each be who you are!

The dance is between connection and autonomy, love and fear. The hardest part is to listen without defending and to talk without blame. Talk about expectations before you marry. No surprises! Talk about roles. Get to know each other and don’t ignore red flags. There is much more to deciding about marriage than “falling in love”. Hopefully, you are making a lifetime decision so make it with your head and not just your heart.

This Is Our Story
I love to think back to our first kiss in that special parking lot, seven blocks from Heald Business College in downtown Sacramento. Dave had been away from school for a few days. I really missed him. I finally asked another student if she knew why he wasn’t at school. She was surprised that I didn’t know he was in the hospital having surgery. I called the hospital immediately! Amazingly, the timing was perfect, as he was just being prepped for surgery. We spoke only a brief moment, but he later told me that all his fears about the surgery just disappeared.

A few days later, Dave showed up in “our” parking lot, just as I was leaving after school. I was thrilled to see him again. He surprised me with our first kiss when he leaned down through the window of my 1957 Plymouth. Then, he insisted I go home. I wanted to stay, but he said I needed to leave. So I drove away wondering why. When I arrived home, my mother opened the door with a strange look on her face. She stepped aside and I could see a dozen RED ROSES on the table with a card saying: “To the girl I hope to share a lifetime with.” I was very surprised as we had not even dated.

We have done exactly that–shared a lifetime together! We were married about eight months later. We have two lovely daughters and their families to continue sharing our lives. We have been extremely blessed to have shared this life with our church family and many treasured family and friends. Most of all we give all the honor and glory to our Lord, Jesus Christ for His grace, love, mercy, and guidance throughout the years. We will celebrate our 50th wedding anniversary July 20, 2013.

Our scripture: “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…”1 Corinthians 13:7,8  RSV

Interesting Observation About Gender Differences

In an editorial I read this morning David Brooks, New York Times says, “The financial rewards to education have increased over the past few decades, but men failed to get the memo.” In 1954, 96 percent of American men between the ages of 25 and 54 worked. Now the number is down to 80 percent. The latest jobs report shows male labor participation at an all time low.

Young Women Doing Better Than Young Men

Millions of men are collecting disability. According to Michael Greenstone of the Hamilton Project, annual earnings for median prime age males have dropped 28 percent over the past 40 years. Women in their 20’s out earn men in their 20s. Brooks speculates that women are more fluid than men and take school more seriously. He believes women look for new jobs and new opportunities–going back to college and pursuing new careers.

Are Women Embracing the Freedom of Being Single?

Recently I talked to a friend who has been widowed for several years. I congratulated her on her recent engagement. She laughed. “He’s a great guy,” she said, “but I like being single. I decided not to get married.” I wonder how many women, like my friend, are choosing autonomy over connection. What does that mean for the future of marriage?

What You Can Control

You cannot control everything that happens, but you are responsible for your reactions to what happens to you. If you become rigid, defensive, and stuck, you will experience deterioration and disorder. If you stay open to grieving losses and use your energy to grow, you can transform a loss into a gain. Avoid becoming victim and trying to get others to rescue you.

Gains Can Include Losses

Sometimes changes that appear to be gains can also include losses that need to be recognized. The summer I got married, I had planned a trip to Europe with a friend. Giving up the trip was difficult. Eight years later my husband had a job transfer to Germany. We lived there for two and a half years and traveled extensively.

I started my career as a teacher. My husband went to college while I taught school. I became active in teachers’ groups and eventually became President of the Sanger Elementary Teachers Association. My husband’s graduation and the birth of our first child occurred simultaneously. My husband got a job in Sacramento. The move meant a loss of my career, the loss of friends and of having an important place in the community, the loss of our church, the loss of bringing in income. The new baby, although a joy and very much wanted, brought a loss of freedom to go and come as I pleased. It was very difficult and I went through all the stages of grieving.

Learning from Change

I learned. I found strengths I didn’t know I had. I did a lot of introspection. I learned the importance of relationships and how to communicate better. I had always wanted to write. This was the perfect time to explore that interest and see if I could write for publication. I took a class on how to sell what you write. I used my family as models. Eventually I wrote a book, “How to Keep the Family That Prays Together From Falling Apart.” That led to doing workshops on parenting and then to an interest in going back to school to get my degree in Counseling Psychology. I have been a psychotherapist for more than 30 years. I have come to realize that every loss in life can be a stepping stone to greater learning and maturity.

Resolve Differences

Compatible is defined as able to exist or act together harmoniously. What we do, not who we are! Concentrate on what joins you with another person, not on what separates you. Expect differences. Plan for ways to use your differences to expand your thinking and increase your choices. Use your differences to build strong workable partnerships with another person. Focus on your strengths, minimize your weaknesses.

Advocates/Friends, Not Enemies

Agree to disagree and always be in each others corner. Not blaming, but accepting and working toward understanding. The greatest obstacles to compatibility are Blame and Defend. Believing there is always a right and wrong, and of course, you are right and he/she is wrong. Let go of fears and defenses. Develop a healthy curiosity. What’s going on for me now? What can I learn about you?

Some useful ground rules:

     NEVER COMPARE
     NEVER CONDEMN
     NEVER COMMAND
     NEVER CONDESCEND
     NEVER CONTRADICT
     NEVER CONFUSE   (stick with the issue)

GREAT NEWS!

Not only can love last, couples can learn to become soul mates. The love stories you read on my blog all show how couples have turned their love into soul mate relationships! Love supports the difficult therapeutic process of evolving soul mate relationships. Couples who love each other master the difficult process of learning to hang on to autonomy while being connected to someone who is very different from them.

Soul Mates Adore Each Other

One day I read a clipping about a couple who had been married many years. The clipping quoted them as saying, “When we met, we liked each other. After we had been together 20 years we loved each other. Now after 50 years we adore each other.” I couldn’t wait to find Everett. At the same time he was looking for me. We both had read the quote and happily agreed that that is the way it is. Now it has been 57 years and we adore each other. LOVE CAN LAST!

I would love to see your comments in response to the question, “Can love last?”

ELOPED IN 1946
Mary Lou and Ron met in their junior year at San Diego High School in 1943. After Ron’s discharge from the Navy in June 1946 they eloped and married. They were 19 and 20 years old. “Our love story really began after 17 years of marriage,” says Ron. “And after a BA for Mary Lou and DDS for me, 3 kids, golf gods, sailboats, sport cars, campers and Airstream trailer, and bigger and bigger homes.”

In 1962 Mary Lou became involved in a Bible Study. While sitting at home listening to the Radio Bible Class in 1963 she invited Jesus to be her Lord. Later, Ron became a Christian, too. “That,” says Ron, “started a love affair between Mary Lou and me as we grew in our understanding of the love of Christ that had been missing for the first 17 years of our marriage. That was 49 years ago, and Jesus and His love have surrounded and nurtured and protected us through many ups and downs as we have looked to Him increasingly every day for guidance in our lives.”

Soul Mates Make Contact

Virginia Satir in her book, “Making Contact” describes what soul mates do.

                   ” I believe
                    the greatest gift
                    I can conceive of having
                    is
                    to be seen by them,
                    heard by them
                    and touched by them.

                    The greates gift
                    I can give
                    is
                    to see, hear, understand
                    and to touch
                    another person. 

                    When this is done
                     I feel
                     contact has been made.”
                   

From the Sacramento Relationship Skills Center:

l. How do you decide who to marry?
     “You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like that you like sports, and she should keep the chi;s and dip coming.”——Alan, age 10
     “No person decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”—–Kristen, age 10

2. What is the right age to marry?
     “Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.—Camille, age 10

3. How can a stranger tell if two people are married?
     “You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”—Derrick, age 8

4. What do you think your Mom and Dad have in common?
     “Both of them don’t want to have any more kids.”—Lori, age 8

5. What do most people do on a date?
     “Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.”—Lynette, age 8
     “On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”—Martin, age 10

6. When is it okay to kiss someone?
     “When they’re rich.”—Pam, age 7
     “The law says you have to be 18, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”—Curt, age 7
     “The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”—Howard, age 8

7. Is it better to be single or married?
     “It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”—Anita, age 9

8. How would the world be different if people didn’t get married?
     “There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”—Kelvin, age 8

  COUPLES IN LOVE
 Some of life’s most passionate love stories involve couples who ended up divorced. Among them are Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor, Desi Arnez and Lucille Ball, Peter Facindle and Jennie Garth, and most recently Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. What makes these stories different from couples like George and Laura Bush, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson, Ronald and Nancy Reagan, Monty and Julie Flanagan, Gene and Georgia Schroeder, John and Lois Bueno, and others on my blogs?

Learning How to Live with Another Person
“Chains do not hold marriage together,” according to Simone Signoret. “It is threads, which sew people together through the years. That is what makes a marriage last more than passion or sex!” Counting on each other, feeling loved and loving, open to learning, and commitment to the marriage and each other all contribute to couples in love whose love evolves into soul mate relationship.

I agree with my soul mate, Everett, who says, “Three grand adventures to happiness are something to do, sommeone to love, and something to hope for.” We have been doing that for more than 57 years and it just gets sweeter each year.