Every four years thousands of therapists from around the world gather for one of the most exciting conferences offered, called The Evolution of Psychotherapy. It has always been held in December. It all began in Phoenix in 1985. Jeffrey Zeig, the director of Phoenix’s Milton H. Erickson Foundation which sponsored the event, counted 15 major schools of thought on the program plus Thomas Szasz, a psychiatrist who didn’t believe mental illness exists. Some other presenters were Freudian Bruno Bettelheim, 82 at the time, Human-Potential Guru Carl Rogers and Joseph Wolpe. Other internationally known stars, Rollo May, Albert Ellis, R. D. Laing, Carl Whitaker, Virginia Satir plus grandchildren of Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and Alfred Adler participated. Four of the renowned presenters were in their eighties and most had never met before.

Seven thousand therapists from around the world attended the conference. Three thousand more were turned away because there wasn’t room for them. At breaks between workshops, bathroom lines were daunting. It snowed in Phoenix that week. Crusty Albert Ellis slipped and fell on the icy sidewalk in front of his hotel. I heard later that he sued the hotel. I don’t know if that was true. The convention hall vibrated with energy and excitement.

This year instead of walking the trails and inhaling the crisp salty air at Sea Ranch, I will be sitting in huge classes at the Convention Center in Anaheim attending the seventh Evolution of Psychotherapy Conference. The 49 famous presenters now include people like Daniel Amen, Steven Frankel, John Gottman, Harville Hendricks, Sue Johnson, Otto Kernberg, Harriett Lerner, Donald Meichenbaum, Violet Oaklander, Michele Werner-Davis. The conference eventually ended up at the gigantic Convention Center in Anaheim with classes spilling over to the Marriott and Hilton Hotels next door. More restrooms are available!

I mailed our Christmas cards, not in the Sea Ranch Post Office, but at home in Fair Oaks. For the past ten years we rented a condo early in December and wrote our Christmas cards while gazing at the ocean waves crashing on the rocks a few steps away. If I am lucky again, I may find myself late at night riding up the elevator with a very tired Violet Oaklander. We have a lot in common. We are both getting old.

Listen, Please Listen

Has anybody said to you, “Please listen to me!”? How about, “You never listen to me!”? Do you stop listening sometimes after the first two or three words because you think you know what the speaker is going to say? Perhaps you feel frustrated because that seems to happen often and you don’t feel heard. Listening is a skill. People who take the time to learn to listen better enrich their soul mate relationships. Listening the Forgotten Skill, an excellent book by Madelyn Burley-Allen gives help for serious learners. Some of the questions she suggests the listener keep in mind:

     What is the speaker’s intent?

     Am I listening actively, formulating my meaning and then checking back with the speaker to see if my meaning is his or her meaning?

     What information does the speaker want me to have?

     What assumptions and conclusions am I reaching?

     Am I resisting the feedback clues because I don’t want to deal with the situation? If so, what can I do about it?

     Am I sizing up the speaker? How is this affecting my interpretation of the message?

     What barriers might be at work distorting the message?

     What questions could I ask to verify my understanding and minimize the effect of barriers?

     What information is not being provided?

This book was a big help to me. Years ago I lent it to a client and never got it back. I hope it has helped him as much as it helped me.

How to Listen So Your Lover Will Talk

One night I came home from work very tired. Listening to people’s problems all day sometimes reinforces negative responses to my own problems. I had been dealing with some of the normal consequences of aging–my husband’s retirement and the subsequent change of roles we have expereienced, and other stresses.

I  needed some information for a task my husband and I were working on. When I went to retrieve it from the place I have kept such information for years, I could not find it. In exasperation, I said, “I feel so off-balance these days, because we organize things so differently. I never know where anything is any more.”

Everett responded, “You get off-balance easily.” What I heard at that moment were the words of a man to his wife in my office that morning. “You are crazy,” he had said. “You need help.”

I reacted in anger to Everett’s comment. I said, “Don’t say that!”

A dozen thoughts raced through my mind in a matter of seconds leaving me depleted and feeling depressed. I put my head down on the kitchen table. “What’s the matter, Honey?” Everett was concerned. “I don’t know.” I honestly did not know. I tried to sort it out in my own mind. “What is going on for me?”

Everett, who would tell you he has been a poor listener for years, encouraged me to talk. He has learned some listening skills over the years. He used all of them to help me sort out my feelings and gain some understanding of the pressures I felt. What a gift that was.

Sometimes when you feel exhausted or stress has accumulated, you need a listener to help you sort out what is going on for you. The listener does not solve your problem or try to tell you how you feel. He simply listens carefully and reflects the feelings he hears. By his doing that, you begin to identify the feelings and sometimes the perceptions that led to the feelings. Then you can understand what you need to do to resolve the problem.

note: see Chapter 6 of my book, “Becoming Soul Mates”

I just did a review for my parenting blog on a book titled, “Raising Boys by Design”. The authors, psychologists who have a special interest in boys and brain science make a strong case for the importance of differences in male and female brains, behavior, and development. It reminded me of the huge gender differences that keep men and women from understanding each other.

Couples usually relate to books describing the differences in love language. One of the hardest differences to get past is the difference between how men and women understand intimacy. In surveys that question what women want most in relationships, nine out of ten women say intimacy. Men rarely rate intimacy first. How can men and women understand each other’s love language if they speak separate emotional languages?

When my husband and I first married, I would put cards and notes with loving messages in his lunch bag or on his pillow. One day he said to me, “Honey, don’t keep giving me cards and notes. I know you love me. You don’t have to do that.”

Women, be willing to tell your guy what makes you feel loved and ask what you can do to make him feel loved. Pay attention. Guys, pay attention to what your gal responds to. Exits and entrances are important. Take time to greet each other with a hug and kiss. Look at him/her. Does he/she look nice? What is new or different? Notice! Then say something about it.

It takes time to become a good lover. How would you rate on a scale of one to ten? Make a goal to improve that number. What you give you are likely to get back!

I solicited pictures of salads for my last blog post. Several of my friends responded. After I posted a picture I liked, my cousin sent a picture of a beautiful salad he had while visiting India. Darn! I liked his picture and I wanted to use it. In 58 years of marriage there must have been other conflicts triggered by salads.

Oh yes! I remember one. Not long after the shock of Everett’s eating my left-over salad without asking, he began talking about the wonderful potato salad his mother made. Wanting to please him, I made a potato salad the next day. He didn’t comment. The next night we invited some friends for dinner. Conversation turned to potato salad. “I haven’t had potato salad for a long time”, Everett said. Shocked, I said, “We had potato salad last night.” “Oh,” he responded, “Was that potato salad?” Being somewhat fragile back then, I think I felt hurt and probably angry, too. Our guest responded, “Everett, I’ll make you a potato salad.”

I learned Everett didn’t like my potato salad because I put pickles and olives in it. When I got this information, I couldn’t wait to see the salad our friend had promised. To my great delight she came with a “loaded” potato salad. Of course, he graciously thanked her and told her how good it was.

We resolved that conflict quickly. Everett always makes the potato salad. By the way, I like them, vinegar and all.

What Are Your Trigger Words?

Some trigger words are easier to identify than others. Common trigger words: “you always, you never, you should, you need to, I love you, but”, cause problems in all relationships. The same words or actions can mean different things to different people. Pay attention to words and actions that instantly cause a reaction.

Trigger Actions

Action triggers lead to wonder and confusion. “What did I do to get such a negative reaction?” My husband and I had an issue over property rights. It took years for us to identify this source of conflict and begin to work on resolving it. Some trigger actions that resulted in an intense reaction from me: using my computer, comb, scissors, pencils, pens, and other personal items without asking permission; assuming everything I buy and own belonged to everyone in the family.

One weekend Everett and I went to a marriage retreat. The leader asked couples to write down something they didn’t like about their partner. Everett wrote, “She is possessive.” I was surprised because I am generous. It didn’t take long to understand our conflict was about property rights.
I grew up in a family who believed in authoritarian parenting. My parents micro-managed my behavior and emotions. They were loving generous people who believed strongly in property rights. If you wanted to enter my bedroom, you were expected to knock. If you wanted to use my pencil, you needed to ask me to use it. So property rights became a huge part of my sense of self.

Everett is the next to the youngest of seven children. His parents had few rules. He signed his own report cards and controlled his own life. He never had a bedroom of his own. He slept with two older sisters, had no drawer or space of his own. He had no concept of property rights. During our first week of marriage I brought home a salad I hadn’t finished eating at a restaurant. When I looked for my salad the next day, it was gone. I asked Everett, “What happened to my salad? He said, “I ate it.” I said, “You ate it? You didn’t ask me!” He looked puzzled. I didn’t care if he ate it, but it was my salad. It took us years to identify the cause of this kind of conflict.

Look for the words and actions that trigger conflict. Then avoid them, clarify them and eventually get rid of them. I must admit this one still comes up sometimes. It helps to laugh at it when you understand it and good will abounds.

The Freedom to Take Risks in One’s Own Behalf, Instead of Choosing to be Only “Secure” and Not Rocking the Boat.

According to Satir, congruence comes from being emotionally honest which is necessary for making contact. That means taking risks. Taking risks is doing something you have never done before or doing the same thing in a new way. For growth we must all be willing to change. A wise thinker coined the phrase, no gain without pain.

Change creates anxiety. Welcome anxiety as an invitation to learn and grow. You handle it by giving yourself encouragement and affirmations:

• “My anxiety tells me I am choosing to risk. I can manage it.”
• “What do I need to learn from taking this risk?”
• “What can I do differently to make this situation better? Do I need to set boundaries? Do I need to risk? Where does my power lie?”
• “I am choosing to love. I am choosing to put down my shield. What an adventure!”

As you learn to take responsibility for your own anxiety, you open up to loving and being loved with no strings attached. A world renowned family therapist, author, lecturer and consultant, Virginia Satir’s work, books, and posters had a profound influence on my life, books, counseling, teaching, and now on my blogs. Her five freedoms are at the heart of her wisdom.

The introduction to her little book, “Making Contact” begins with this. “I believe the greatest gift I can conceive of having from anyone is to be seen by them, heard by them, and touched by them. The greatest gift I can give is to see, hear, understand and to touch another person. When this is done I feel contact has been made.”

The Freedom to Ask for What One Wants Instead of Always Waiting for Permission

My book, “Becoming Soul Mates–How to Create the Lifelong Relationship You Always Dreamed Of” begins with a chapter on intimacy. Many men do not know how to respond to their wife’s or lover’s complaints of lack of intimacy. Women, apparently, have difficulty asking for what they want.

I begin my book with: “A deeply frustrated man sat in my office and burst out, ‘I don’t know what she wants me to say. If I knew, I would say it.’ One way or another many men express the same sentiment to their therapist in response to their wife’s or lover’s complaints of lack of intimacy.”

Many times the lack of communication results from the speaker’s believing she has been heard and understood when she hasn’t. When asking for what one wants, be clear, specific, and check to see if what you asked for has been understood. Remember, men and women speak separate emotional languages. A conflict in language can easily turn into a conflict of needs. In many surveys nine out of ten women surveyed ranked intimacy highest in what they want from marriage. Men rarely rate intimacy first.

Shortly after my husband and I married, I would say, “Talk to me.” He would answer with a smile, “Lie down and I will talk to you.”

Satir ably describes the five freedoms necessary to make contact with others. In her book, “Making Contact” she also describes the four types of communicating that often go with people who have low opinions of themselves, who have not yet learned to live their five freedoms. She describes them as placating, blaming, super reasonable, and irrelevant. I highly recommend this book.

The Freedom to Feel What One Feels

Have you ever said, “You make me so angry” or “They make me so angry”? No one can make you angry. You make yourself angry about what others do or do not do. Owning your own anger and other feelings gives you self-power. If children were taught to think, “I am making myself angry about.”…….they would learn to own their feelings and not make themselves victims when they are not. Virginia Satir’s third freedom, “the freedom to feel what one feels, instead of what one ought” helps build self power.

Power Plays Work Against Good Relationships

When you do not know or own your own feelings, you do not feel congruent. Your relationships become a series of power plays with win/lose situations. When relationships become power plays, power is misused. Use feelings to identify what is going on for you. That leads to good choice making and becoming a responsible human being.

Self-Power Gives Energy to Connect

Self-power gives you energy to connect with another person. You can make the other person responsible for your feelings or you can make yourself responsible. “Making real contact,” says Satir, “means we make ourselves responsible for what comes out of us.”

The Freedom to Say What One Feels and Thinks

Virginia Satir, a wise woman, lists what she calls, The Five Freedoms in her book, “Making Contact”. We often hear the word power used in a negative context. Essential to living life well we must understand the importance of personal power. Satir’s five freedoms make personal power possible, because one relates from one’s authentic self.

You may raise your eyebrows in disbelief when you read the second freedom, “the freedom to say what one feels and thinks instead of what one should.” Knowing what you feel and think and accepting that allows you the freedom to respond appropriately and wisely when relating to others. Satir explains, “Making real contact means we make ourselves responsible for what comes out of us.”

Own Your Own Feelings and Behavior

Owning our own feelings and behavior is prerequisite to change through all of Satir’s work. It is essential for self-acceptance, growth and change. Giving our personal power away leads to living as victims, always reacting instead of acting. Some people live their lives always focused on what they don’t have and believing good luck has made it possible for others to have happy relationships and marriage.

Good relationships and happiness don’t come from good luck. They come from good choices and hard work by two people willing to learn and grow together. Living as a victim robs you of personal power and a happy relationship eludes you. Start where you are. Own your feelings, behavior and strengths. Then you can make contact from an authentic self.