A Hotel with “IN-Room” Art

We needed an ocean “fix”. We decided to go south this time. Ten years ago we participated in a city sponsored book sale in San Luis Obispo. We decided to return to Morrow Bay, a beautiful coastal town near San Luis Obispo where we stayed at a unique hotel called Masterpiece Hotel. Every room has at least five beautifully framed prints by famous artists. Our room displayed “Roseate Spoonbill” by John James Audubon; “Colors” by Kyosi; “Pinkie” by Sir Thomas Lawrence; “Poplars on a Hill” by Vincent Van Gogh and “Trees” painter unknown.

The first couple we met when checking in told us they were from Colorado. They said they come to the Masterpiece Hotel over and over because they like it so much. If we lived closer, we would probably do the same. Breakfast was served from 7:30 to 10:30 every morning. Wine, cheese and crackers from 5:00 to 7:00 in the evening. Guests can also use a spa and fitness center. Our room cost a reasonable $201.40 (including tax) for two nights.

Best of all, a short walk took us to the wharf where we ate a delicious lunch of sole piccata and of course, clam chowder at the Dockside restaurant. A road goes out to the town’s famous Morrow Rock, home to peregrine falcons. We watched them near their nests on the side of the huge rock. A volunteer from a nearby college invited us to view them through his telescope. A couple of fishing boats struggled to get into the Bay through the wind blown waves of the ocean. A surfer used a kite to guide himself back and forth through big waves. Dogs and children played on the beach.

I highly recommend a Morrow Bay getaway. It helps to order sunshine so you can walk along the beach. Other choices include boat tours, wine tasting, quilting stores, art galleries, bird watching, missions, golf, hiking, bicycling, fishing or simply sitting on a bench watching the waves crash against the shore. Something for everybody!

Keith and Shirley Abbey-married 61 years

                                  by guest blogger Todd Creager   http://www.toddcreager.com

Long term love and I mean deep love, the kind of love where you feel that you would marry your spouse all over again after 10, 20, 30, 40 years of marriage does happen. There are couples that DO experience that kind of relationship. What are their secrets? I have learned from these couples, some people are clients, people I know in my personal life and even people I have read about in articles or seen on TV.

SECRET #1
Look for the best in your partner. I have heard many of these couples talk about the necessity to overlook each other’s flaws; not to ignore them but at the same time not to focus on them. Definitely each partner kept in mind the good stuff, the positive attributes, and the things they enjoyed about their partner.

SECRET #2
Let them know how good they are. Not only did they look for and think about the best in their partner, they expressed it. They complimented their partners far more than they criticized them. It was easier to hear the negative feedback because they got plenty of positive feedback as well.

SECRET# 3
Be affectionate. They touched a lot and were affectionate with each other. As they got older, even if their sexual relationship changed somewhat, they never stopped touching. They adjusted to the aging process but kept the physical connection any way they could. They were not rigid when it came to approaches to touch and sexuality. They were able to talk openly about sex.

SECRET #4
Place a high value on the importance of the intimate relationship. They made relationship a high priority. They made time to be alone and intimate and enjoyed each other’s company. They planned trips together and went on frequent dates. They often were different (as most couples are) but they found enough similarities of activities to do these things together.

SECRET #5
Tune in and be attentive and let your partner know you are there for him or her when needed. They were strong emotional supports in trying times. They would take turns being strong for each other during the occasional life tragedies and losses. They each felt a sense of deep caring for each other and trusted each other. Some of these couples had earlier times when the trust was disrupted but they learned how to heal and create trusting relationships. There was a sense that, “You are there for me.”

These wise couples have reaped the benefits of these secrets to long term love. Now it is your turn.

Todd Creager at “Making the World Safe for Love”

Married 68 years

Secrets to a Long Marriage

Going directly to the experts, long time married couples, makes sense to researchers like sociology professor, Todd Migliaccio, California State University, Sacramento. He has interviewed and taped dozens of couples in long marriages including my husband and me. More than 100 couples contributed to “Married for Life”, Honor Books by Bill Morelan, one of the sources I used. I have been sharing some of these experts’ advice in my most recent blogs.

Interestingly, “spending time together” in one form or another was recommended more often than any other advice. A close second was commitment to the marriage. One person put it uniquely, “Never consider getting unmarried as an option.”

Many other responses were repeated in different ways. These experts on love advised couples to  realize neither of you are perfect; practice cooperation, follow the Golden Rule, try to see each other’s point of view, but agree to disagree sometimes. I tell my clients, “Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. If you focus on the strengths you will have twice as many together, If you focus on the weaknesses, you will have twice as many weaknesses. Which you focus on will determine how strong a marriage you can create.”

Becoming lifetime soul mates is a unique rewarding adventure. If you remember the story , “The Velveteen Rabbit” by Margery Williams, you will remember the discussion between Rabbit and Skin Horse  about what is real. Rabbit asks if it happens all at once or bit by bit. Skin Horse tells Rabbit it doesn’t happen all at once. It happens when you have been loved over a period of time, but “it doesn’t happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.” In other words, you must learn how to let go of defenses.

Walter and Mary Bieri

More Advice From Long Married Couples     The advice given in this series of blogs comes from a study of couples married 50 years or longer……

You have to really like each other. That means being able to listen to each other no matter what the subject.

Always be willing to walk away when a subject becomes too heated, but always be willing to come back to it when you are both calm.

Never call each other names when you are angry. Just say, I am angry right now.

Love must be nurtured. Kindness and respect are a part of the nurturing.

Share common goals and find common interests.

Give each other plenty of space to grow and accept each other just the way they are.

Share responsibility and care of the house, children, and the relationship.

Everyone has problems. Stay together and work them out.

Agree that it’s okay to disagree.

Talk things out and never give up.

Dave and Jacque Leek

Secrets of a Long Marriage from Couples Married 50 Years or More

I love my husband and he loves me. We work together. We talk things out, even though sometimes it may not be a quiet discussion.

You only get out of a marriage what you put into it.

Be individuals. Give each other space.

Have fun together and never get too old to hold hands.

Never give advice unless it’s asked for and then be careful not to tell him/her what to do.

Take responsibility for your own feelings, needs, and happiness.

Friends will always let you down. Don’t be fragile. Toughen up.

Never stop learning listening skills. Be aware of subjects you react to.

Do everything you can to express your love. Never let a day go without telling each other, “I love you.”

Always make marriage and family a top priority.

Gene and Georgia Schroeder

Couples Married 50 Years Or Longer

“We’re seeing more and more couples that have lasted where friendship is one of the big factors. If they’re from a close family, that provides a huge social network that contributes to marital longevity. Couples have more to draw on and more commitment to the greater good of the family.”

That comment comes from Todd Migliaccio, California State University, Sacramento sociology professor. My husband, Everett, and I were one of the dozens of couples married more than 50 years interviewed by Professor Migliaccio. Interestingly, he was not married at the time.

My own mother died four years before she and my dad reached their 50th anniversary, but many older couples reach that milestone. Presently, more than half of American marriages have lasted more than 15 years according to census figures. About 30 percent of married couples celebrate 25 years together. Experts theorize about what makes it possible to make a marriage last. The true answers come from those who year in and year out through good times and bad, find ways to make their marriages work.

Look forward to future blog posts giving answers by those who have made marriage work. I welcome pictures of people who have been married 50 years or longer with their names and wedding dates.

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Contests–Worthwhile or Waste of Time

Maybe I needed to boost my self esteem and confidence, but I had an insatiable attraction to competition as a high school student. As freshmen, my friend and I won the traditional freshman/sophomore debate, the first time it had been won by freshmen. I won the local Lion’s Club speech contest and went on to the county event where I came in second. The winner went on to compete at the state level. A winning essay sent me to Sacramento as my high school’s female representative to the YMCA Model Legislature where I met California Governor Earl Warren. Another winning essay resulted in a visit to the Freedom Train which was traveling around the country at that time.

College dampened my interest in competition, but every now and then as an adult I have entered writing contests. Rarely have I gotten even an honorable mention. I dismissed my lack of success to unfair judging. LOL.

This week it happened. My NCPA colleagues voted my “elevator speech” first place in a contest they sponsored. Here it is. What do you think?

“Give your relationship skills a rating. Do you kiss frogs and hope for a miracle? Go on a lifetime search for a “soul mate”? Become a therapist? Open my book, Becoming Soul Mates at any two pages and find something to talk about with your special person. Your relationship skills will soar.”

That is an elevator speech!

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celebrating our 58th anniversary in 2013

Does Your Lover Feel Loved?

A Good Lover:
         has  the ability: to laugh, play, comment

         skills: of listening, hearing, understanding

         likes: touching, hugging, kissing

         notices, compliments, admires

How often do you tell your special person, “I love you”? If that is something you feel but never think to say, make it a prioity to remember to say it every day. Eventually, it becmes natural to say it when you get up in the morning and when you go to bed at night. You cannot say it too often. Touching, hugging, kissing come naturally when you love and feel loved.

Talking and listening skills are a part of noticeing and caring. Very few people have good listening skills so many people feel misunderstood and not heard. When your lover believes you understand him/her, she/he feel loved.

Noticeing, complimenting, and admiring are like the icing on the cake. When a woman proudly shares with her friends something special her mate has done, he feels ten feet tall. When he shows his admiration of her in front of friends, she feels adored.

The best place to start is to say, “I love you,” not once but many times. If you don’t feel loved, let your mate know how good it feels when he/she tells you. Touch him and smile when you respond, “I love you, too.”

So many places to see. So much beauty to enjoy. So little time to see it all. Yet we find ourselves drawn back to a few places over and over. We have recently returned from our third visit to the Marriott Star Pass Resort. This majestic desert retreat guards the Tucson Mountain Park with its towering saguaro and 20,000 acres full of desert wildlife.

Mild weather draws many guests to Tucson, Arizona in the winter. We have been there twice in August, the monsoon season. We save our money and our Marriott credit card points to make it happen. We love the continental breakfast with its steel cut oatmeal, choice of fruits, smoked salmon, cheese, nuts of all kinds and a variety of tasty fresh baked pastry. Coffee and juice are included. Our waiter remembered our names and even what we had ordered the day before. She surprised us by asking, “Do you want your apples peeled and cut again this morning?”

Our room had a fantastic view of the desert and the city of Tucson in the distance. At night we sat on the Salud Terrace to watch the sun go down and the Tucson lights magically turn the distant horizon into a fairyland of sparkling color. Another night as we returned to the hotel along the dark winding road, we rounded the corner and two young coyote cubs frolicked in our headlights.

The serenity of Star Pass and its desert wildlife has drawn us back ever since we discovered it when we stayed at the Star Pass timeshare many years ago. We hope to return again when we have saved more money and Marriott credit card points.

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Blame and defending will never lead to resolution of conflicts. People on the defensive take in very little information. We grow up learning to deny and defend. Common parental messages begin with the words, “you need to” ; “you didn’t” ; “you should have”. We grow up learning to deny and defend.

I have one brother and while we were growing up he constantly got in trouble. As a result he got blamed for things he didn’t do. Denial became his first response whether guilty or not. I was the good girl and never lied.

I had a book, “The Little Red Hen” which I loved. One day I had a safety pin in my hand while reading the book. I scratched the letters of the title on the cover. A few days later my mother, who taught us to always take good care of our things, noticed the artistic enhancement on my book.

“Who scratched this book?” she asked in a tone that scared me. “Did you, Elva?” “No,” I answered immediately, instantly terrified that I would go to Hell for lying. My mother turned toward my brother. He answered with an emphatic, “no!” She continued, “Don’t lie, Edward.” “I didn’t do it,” he repeated. To my horror he got spanked for lying. I was doomed to six months of terrible guilt and fear. When I could stand it no longer, I tearfully confessed.

You can understand why my brother grew up skilled at being defensive. One of the first skills learned in communication is “do not blame, do not defend”. Thus, the rule, use  “I” instead of “you”. When you own the problem it becomes much easier for your partner to listen and not defend. He/she may not completely trust you, but inch by inch you learn it is worth taking a chance.

It may be unrealistic to use this incident as an example, but let’s go there. My Mom might have said, “I have a problem with books being damaged and I am wondering how this book got scratched.” I think I could have had the courage to tell my mother I didn’t mean to damage the book. I just wasn’t thinking.” She never would have spanked me, and I would have prevented weeks of sleepless nights and nightmares about going to Hell. The lesson here is you will be far more likely to solve a conflict if you start with “I have a problem with…….”

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