Sea Cliff Motel

Spring Colors Great Getaways

Spring makes California travelers question horror stories about drought. It paints mountains and valleys multiple shades of green. Trees, flush with new green folliage and maternity homes of birds and squirrels, accent the landscape. Everywhere life bursts into view sending a cascade of color into the scene.
Last week we took a middle of the week break to drive through soul feeding beauty to our favorite motel in Gualala, the Sea Cliff by the Sea. Sea Clff sits on the bluff’s edge overlooking the Pacific Ocean where the Gualala River meets the sea. Two confortable chairs sit in front of floor to ceiling windows where we have sat for many hours watching pelicans, sea gulls, whales, river otters, fishing boats, sunrises, and full moons.A fireplace keeps the room warm and cozy in the winter. We always manage to spend some time in the two person whirlpool spa. A small refrigerater keeps food fresh.
Gualala has two grocery stores, half a dozen churches, two sevice stations and a wonderful book store named The Four-Eyed Frog. We sell our books there. Other businesses also serve tourists and residents.
On our way home Thursday we decided to drive north to Mendocino to visit the Gallery Book shop and Book Wrinkle’s. We found them busy with customers looking at the abundance of books offered. We left copies of our books for the manager to examine when she returned.
The trip home winds through awesome forests of redwoods and emerges on Highway 101 at Cloverdale. We drove only a few miles before turning east on Highway 128 which goes through the heart of the Anderson Valley and Napa Valley wine country. Photogenic vineyards offered a great climax to our immersion into spring ecstasy. Two nights and three days of beauty and bliss. I highly recommend it.

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Jason Bassett to Heather Bassett

Twenty five years ago today I was honored to say “I do” to my most awesome wife. She has been my partner when the days were lean and when they were plentiful. She has been my treasured companion in three states and many apartments, usually pulling the heavier share of the load with two or three kids in tow. She has been my confidant when I need reassurance and my biggest cheerleader on the days when I didn’t feel very cheery and on the days I felt triumphant. She has put up with the many ups and downs of advancement or promotional cycles, odd hours, working weekends, and changing schedules on short notice. She has put up with my meandering short attention span, the sore and not so great days of learning to ride horses or motorcycles and was always there when I returned from some expedition. She has been right beside me in the hardest times of my life and can bring a smile to my face when I need it most. And that as you all know is a tough thing to do. I have been the lucky one! I look forward to the next 25 years. I love you, Heather Bassett. Happy Anniversary.

Birthday Tribute from Ted to His Wife

10.  She has the gift of hospitality. Our house is home to others including animals.
       She makes a lot of soup.

 9.   She rescued green, black, brown, and grey as New York fashion colors.
       Who else can make people blush red with grey skirt?

 8.   She’s the only grey-skirted woman alive whose  personal spokesman is a pathetic wobbly
       deaf old dog. Every day Nancy translates Rose’s elusive thoughts.

 7.   For 25 years she has demonstrated that the best teachers in the world truly love every
       single kindergartner on the 32-student roster. She comes home with a burden for
       every soul.

 6.   She gives equal status to guinea pigs, chickens, dogs, and squirrels. She objected to
       my shooting the two squirrels temporarily squatting rent-free in our attic.

 5.   Because of her concern for saving the earth, she fills a small bowl with water to wash 
       her face in the morning. You’d think I was draining Niagra Falls by rinsing my razor
       under the faucet. Now I only shave twice a week.

 4.   She’s low maintenance. I have to beg her to buy clothes at Target instead of Eco-Thrift,
       a second-hand store. Those designer-brand fashions she finds only cost $3. I’m all for
       that.

 3.   She has many ideas for things to make, fix, or buy and only one husband. Gotta keep
       her working or she will overwhelm the male population of Folsom with honey-do lists.

 2.   She once owned a boat, found shore. She was nicer than Columbus, but 
       Columbus was probably a better sailor.
      
                and the number one reason she should have her own holiday……….

 1.   She has flirted with miracles on her wait to sainthood: Miracle Whip, Miracle Grow,
       Miracle hair products and she has miraculously put up with me for 35 years.

Being Supported Feels Good

Suppose you wake up in the morning and discover your alarm has not gone off. Your children are still in bed, and there is a lot to be done. You feel tense and hurried. While you are fixing breakfast, you see smoke curling out of the toaster. Your husband walks into the kitchen and says, “Now you have burned the toast! Can’t you ever do anything right?” How would you react?

Image the same situation. This time when your husband walks into the kitchen he says, “If you set the timer on two instead of three, this wouldn’t happen. Let me show you how you should have done it.” How would you react?

Visualize the scene again. This time your husband comes in and says, “Oh, Honey, what a frustrating morning for you! First the alarm and now the toast. You must be wondering what next!” Being supported feels good.

from “How to Get Kids to Help at Home”, page 22, 23

Birth of a baby brings change

The Truth of Impermanence
The biggest cause of pain in our lives comes from not accepting the truth of impermanence. Feelings of loss flow out of our reaction to change. We may not choose change. Like it or not, change comes. Change comes in two parts, gain and loss. We have to grieve and let go of the loss before we can see or feel the gain.

Experiencing Loss
Immediately after a loss, feelings cloud our thinking. If we accept our feelings and work through them, the clouds lift and we can begin to feel the gain. Knowing what to expect helps the grieving process do its work of healing. Validation by ourselves and others accelerates the healing. Loss or change makes us aware of ourselves. When we grieve the loss, we grieve for ourselves. “What is going to happen to me?” We become aware of dependency needs. We examine our goals, values, and resources. We recognize the opportunity for introspection, evaluation and exploration of our inner resources and a challenge to risk something new.
 
Big Changes Bring Big Challenges
The birth of a baby, the biggest change in a couple relationship, can strengthen their bond or it can tear them apart. Many changes will challenge them as they go through life together. When their children become adults and leave, another big change occurs. People who go through the grieving process will accept the challenge of moving to an adult to adult relationship with their children and welcome the opportunity to become just a couple again. Single parents must embrace their freedom to explore new interests. Some may be afraid to let go and welcome the second half of their lives.

Mid-life Brings Changes
Mid-life brings changes. Flexible open people understand the challenge and put thier energy into recapturing the joy of long time love. The best is yet to come. Maturity makes relationship sweeter . Those who have lost a love through divorce or death may experience a soul mate relationship in the second half of their lives understanding that with loss comes a gain if you are willing to look for it.

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Acceptance Without Judgment

If your gal/guy is never ready on time or often arrives late and you live by the clock, patience becomes an illusive virtue. If you add children, nearly every time your family finally gets in the car, someone is yelling and others are crying.

The prompt person sincerely believes being late is inconsiderate and inexcusable. He/she may feel trapped and unable to follow his principles. The person who is always late has never accepted the notion that to succeed in life we must be governed by the clock. Spontaneity produces fun, excitement and the joy of living. What happens to acceptance without judgment? Differences between mates can become a challenge in the therapeutic process of becoming soul mates.

Differences in managing money, rates near the top for causing problems in marriages. Differences in how partners manage time may be just as troublesome. Clinging to the belief that your way is the right way will only increase the frustration and block your progress to maturity and connection. Avoid judgment. Focus on the problem. How can you live with these differences and still enjoy each other?

Everett and I both tend to be punctual. When our children were born, everything changed. Everett has many virtues, but patience isn’t one of them. By the time we were in the car on our way to church on Sunday morning, the children and I were crying and Everett was frustrated and angry that we were late.

This problem needed fixing. At a time when we felt mellow we talked. We listed our needs and came up with ideas to try. The biggest thing we learned, focus on the behavior not on the person. Calm ourselves before addressing each other or the children. Resist the need to yell or use the words, “you always” or “you never.” Everett worked on patience. He sat down with the newspaper instead of pacing and yelling. Believe it or not, we managed to be a little more prompt and we didn’t have to wipe our tears when we arrived.

Own Your Feelings

I grew up with the message “you shouldn’t feel that way.” Don’t be angry, sad, disappointed, moody, unhappy. Be nice or God and people won’t like you. Smile, smile, smile. My father who was a kind loving man would never admit being angry. He raised his voice in what he called “righteous indignation” over politics, bad driving, and people being treated unfairly,

To avoid “not talking back” I would try to leave the room. My Dad would say, “Get that look off your face. Don’t leave this room. I want to see a smile.” Have you ever tried to smile when you were very angry? It feels like you will explode.

It has taken years for me to learn to identify, accept, and own my feelings, the first step to managing those feelings. Ask yourself what is going on for me? What am I feeling? Why am I so angry, sad, scared, annoyed, embarrassed? For good communication you must identify and own the feeling. Then you can tell your partner, “I am angry.” Don’t say, “You make me so angry!” Don’t try to explain why you are angry until you can figure it out. Then go back to your partner and talk without blame.

Respect each other’s feelings. Emotions are a part of each person’s private self. No one has the power to manufacture emotions. When you ask someone to give up ownership of his personal internal experiences, he can only pretend or repress. No relationship can become a soul mate relationship if one of the partners cannot accept the other without needing him/her to change.

Like many women I am probably seen as strong, but the truth is I am more sensitive than I want to be. If someone I care about speaks to me in a sharp critical tone, I have to fight to keep tears in check. More concerning to me is sharpness in the tone of my voice when responding to someone I love or care about. I believe many of us use one tone to outsiders and another with family. I try to stay in touch with the tone of my voice.

One way I have learned to improve my response to finding lights left on again or cupboard doors and countless drawers left open again and, and, and,…is to say to myself, “How important is this?” Other questions I ask myself, “Does it help to react? Will it make a difference?” Of course, the answer to those questions is no. Then, smile, accept it even if you have to slam the drawers shut a little harder to feel better.

Above all, I try to avoid criticism. Criticism is never helpful. Sometimes criticism subtly comes out in the tone of your voice. Make a point of listening to yourself when you are irritated, impatient, or disgusted. Your family and friends will be more likely to listen to you when you stay calm and patient. Raising your voice to your children will come back to you as they grow older.

When I faced a classroom full of noisy high spirited first graders, I quickly learned that speaking softly quieted them quicker than trying to raise my voice above their noise. The same principle applies in the family. The Bible addresses this truth in the verse, “A soft answer turneth away wrath.” Try it next time you feel impatient and frustrated.

How often have you heard, “You can’t change another person”? Most of us have expectations or perceptions we don’t know we have. One of the most common is, if I love him/her enough, he/she will feel loveable and capable. It certainly helps to be loved, but the only person who can correct the distorted perceptions they developed as a child is the person who is that child grown up.

The most extreme example of adult distorted perceptions are people who grow up as survivors. They grow up truly victim and they learn to survive as victims. When they become adults they often don’t realize how much personal power they have. They may continue to live as victims rather than as free powerful adults.

Most of us know about books like, “Women Who Love Too Much”, “Co-dependent No More”, and “Men Who Hate Women”. We know we can’t love someone enough to cure addiction or deep seated fear of the other sex. If you marry someone who has unresolved issues about capability or self-worth, it may take a long time for that person to realize his/her own self power. People quick to take blame for things or think they have made a fool of themselves may find it hard to believe that everyone makes mistakes.

Love your mate or friend for who he/she is. Acceptance heals and will accelerate your mate’s ability to accept himself as loveable, as remarkable as it may seem. One of my readers responded to my last post, “How sad”. It is sad, but the therapeutic process continues for both of us. Knowing we are loved  makes feeling loveable seem possible.