Dr. Sue Johnson in her book, “Hold Me Tight” describes three types of disconnection. The first is what she calls “Find the Bad Guy”. She says this could just as easily be called, “It’s not me, it’s you.” I believe most people grow up learning to blame and defend. This process fuels disconnection and makes understanding impossible. Until you can begin to recognize this pattern in relationship, connection becomes less frequent and love ceases to grow. Only by staying open to listening can understanding and acceptance be achieved and love grow.
Couples get so locked into their grievances and fears they often do not realize their automatic response to disagreements is to blame and defend. If you feel disconnected from your partner, try to increase your awareness of your response to disagreements. For most of us blame and defend worked well when we were children. Many of us often heard adults blame politicians, news reporters, ethnic groups, the weather and many other things for what they perceived to be the unpleasantness in their lives. We have learned well what Dr. Johnson calls “Demon Dialogue”. If you want love to grow, you must learn a new way to respond.